Real Housewives of Virginia Beach, episode one

Rarely do I think someone’s FB status is talking about me because I have managed to neglect most of my relationships just enough to eliminate pretty much all drama from my life.

But then.

My husband’s cousin Mandy (who is phenomenally rad so I kinda care what she thinks) said something on Facebook a few weeks ago that made me wonder if she was talking about me. She was all like, “I was going to be one of those obnoxious people who posts about how productive I was today…” and et cetera not important stuff because it didn’t supposedly relate to the paranoid relative-by-marriage living in VA. I AM one of those (obnoxious, apparently?) people who updates about how productive I have been that day, only because I think it is EARTH-SHATTERING in its AMAZINGNESS that I managed to get more than one load of laundry done and wipe the animal hair off select surfaces in my home.

Seriously, I have long thought of myself as a totally hopeless loser in the housekeeping department, just because I’m not very efficient and I don’t really enjoy cleaning. I do, however, enjoy every minute of suffer from OCD so I tend to futz about all the time trying in vain to tidy up my hairy humble abode.

I know I should probably cut myself some slack since I do 1. work full-time and B) have seven furry children and one human toddler. But I know other people who work full-time and have kids/pets and somehow manage to clean their homes in just a couple of hours on the weekend. I used to think these people were just advanced life forms who had been sent from distant planets to make people like me feel bad. I am trying to believe they are actually human beings who happen to have strengths and weaknesses just like me and it’s okay that our strengths are in different areas. The only problem is that I’m not 100% what my strengths are. The only thing I have going on that will earn me kudos in polite company is my stellar baked goods, and that tends to backfire if anyone in the group happens to be on a diet.

But yesterday really, truly was a great day for Emily the Housewife. And because this is my blog and not Facebook I can and will be obnoxious and talk about it. When my husband works all weekend, as he is doing right now, it not only pays well in terms of overtime but also by tricking me into thinking I’m a stay-at-home mom and should kick ass and take names on the homefront while my sweetheart does the same in the big, bad, scary world. I was so freaking productive I even pooped twice. (You’re welcome.) I also did a ton of laundry, rearranged some furniture, organized books & DVDs, went to the bank, went to Target for fun and profit, and got our groceries for the week. Then I cooked dinner (heated up frozen pizzas – IT COUNTS). And somehow I even had time for a nap. I rocked the Casbah and all the haters can SUCK IT.

Pictoral evidence of my awesomeness:

The new (to us) bookcase in my son’s room, where all the children’s books in our house now live. Most of these books belonged to my husband when HE was little.

Our living room. Pay no attention to the mess on the left side of the photograph. It’s the gaping hole on the right I want you to notice – since all of Garrett’s books are in HIS room now, and since I have recently done a book purge, one of our bookcases was virtually empty. I’ve been feeling like the living room was way too full of stuff for awhile so I decided to sacrifice the bookcases. The one that still has stuff on it will need to find a new home… not sure where. Right now the room looks super lopsided, or in my husband’s words, “You really fenged up the shui in here.”

This little bookcase was in my son’s room but it (obviously) didn’t hold all of his books. So now it’s in the guest bedroom (which used to be the “art room” but I am woefully remiss in my arting nowadays, and when I actually do something creative I usually do it in the living room or kitchen so I can be near the fam) holding all of the children’s DVDs and VHS tapes. I don’t believe in TVs in the bedroom because bedrooms are for sleeping, snuggles, and reading,, which is why that television isn’t actually in Garrett’s room even though the movies are clearly intended (mostly) for him.

SIDE NOTE OF ANNOYANCE: For some reason our house has become a hospice for VCRs and DVD players. The first couple times I thought it was just a case of old equipment breathing its last, but when I tried to put Despicable Me on for Garrett this morning – in the player that played that exact DVD perfectly just yesterday! – and it didn’t work, I realized that the issue must be user stupidity error. Or perhaps God telling me that my child watches too much television. Which, duh God, I already knew.

Now I know this just looks like piles of crap and it is but I swear it’s more organized now than it was 24 hours ago. Now the other twin bed in the art/guest room is cleared off so someone can actually sit down to watch a movie. Some of this junk needs a new home in my house and some of it needs to leave my house. I am debating whether or not to have a yard sale or just make a run to the local thrift store. The thing about yard sales is that you really do have to have a significant amount of stuff to sell in order to make any sort of money, and you have to STORE all that crap as it accumulates and I am not a fan of storing crap. Plus yard sales require work (not so scary) and heavy lifting at 6 a.m. (definitely scary). So it appears I have talked myself out of having a yard sale.

Just to keep things real let me show you what I did NOT do yesterday (click the picture to embiggen so can you be thoroughly grossed out):

I did not sweep up the dog hair in the room when the doggy crates live. And it appears from the telltale shiny spot on the floor that I also did not wipe up a urine puddle. The thing about having many animals that distinguishes it from having many children is that although both involve copious amounts of excrement, theoretically the children will eventually be old enough to help clean up the excrement of their younger siblings, where as dogs and cats A) do not have thumbs and cannot work a spray bottle of Nature’s Miracle and 2. don’t care to help with anything that doesn’t involve eating people food that you left on the counter trusting that the five million OTHER times you yelled at them for eating your brownies might have helped them with their impulse control. (But alas, THEY DID NOT.)

(In case you were wondering, yes, I DID clean that spot up after I took that picture… eventually. And it is my normal practice to clean up pet messes as soon as I notice them. We just didn’t spend any time in that room yesterday so I didn’t notice it.)

I have, in the past, considered creating a blog about housekeeping – like tips and tricks that I learn and try out. Something funny and self-deprecating and possibly helpful. I would probably call it something like, “The Blind Leading the Blind” because well, YOU KNOW. The main reason I’ve thought about doing this (over and over) is because the one place on the internet that most people go to learn how to be a better housekeeper *cough*FlyLady*coughcough* is… how shall I say this… kind of boring and corny. I KNOW THAT WAS MEAN BUT I CAN’T HELP IT. That particular site has helped tons and tons of people make their homes neater and more peaceful but it makes me want to tear my eyes out because it’s so darn hokey. There. I am going to Internet Hell. (Otherwise known as 4chan. Ba-da-bum.)

Anybody else feel like a hopeless case when it comes to cleaning house? Anyone care to tell me to get the hell over myself?